1st Scene Script Ideas

Claire:

Riiiight. I've got it written down. If there's anything you're unhappy with, honestly just tell me and I'll rework it. Try reading it outloud to see how it sounds. I've used a lot of silence... It kinda needed to be there cause it's a one sided conversation, so the pauses need to be longish - long enough for the other person to have time to reply. He gets interrupted a lot - like, his lines are cut off. I don't know what you think of that, but I thought it represented the nature of those kind of people - like, they answer the phone and they're working to an agenda, they don't really care about you, so when he's talking they just kinda cut him off to say what they want to say. And it shows the power struggle too, like they have authority over him and he just has to kind of accept it. When he experiences his vocal tics I tried to make him just ignore them, like, not wanting to draw more attention to them, just carry on, behave normally. But obviously the other person acknowledges them, so he's forced to face it. I didn't want him to talk about his tourette's directly though - it's all hinted at rather than explicitly stated. I think it'd sound stupid if in the first scene he said "I have tourette's". Haha.

Here it is anyway.

Wanker:
Hello? Yes, this is - [beat] Oh, ok. [pause] Yes, hello. I applied for a job here and I haven't had a response yet so - [pause] Well, it's been about three weeks now and - [pause] And they did say they'd get back to me WANKER within fourteen days. [pause] Sorry? What, oh, that? I did on my form that I have - [pause] I'm sorry, I don't mean to DICKHEAD. [beat] No, of course not. Not you. It's just - [pause] Yes, I understand. Thank you for your time.

 

 

Me:

 

FANTASTIC! pretty much exactly what i was thinking :D so yeah, brilliant! wicked! awesome!! :P

right, the only things i want to change are that he's a bit rough and rugged, so instead of the polite ending on "yes i understand, thank you for your time." i'd wanna change it to something more abrupt like, "yeah ok. Nice one." then he pauses like 3 seconds, then throws the phone at the wall. Aswell just for personal choice keep both words wanker i think, not throughout the whole film, but just this scene.

SO, how would this sound.

Wanker:
Hello? Yeah, this is - [beat] Oh, ok. [pause] Yeah, hello. I applied for a job here and I haven't had a response yet so - [pause] Well, it's been about three weeks now and - [pause] And they did say they'd get back to me WANKER within fourteen days. [pause] Sorry? What, oh, that? I did say on my form that I have - [pause] I'm sorry, I don't mean to WANKER. [beat] No no. Not you. It's just - [pause] Yeah ok, nice one. [ends call and pauses] *then throws phone.

Just slight changes that makes his character a bit more kinda rough round the edges. He's angry at his tourettes so every time he gets put down, the more pissed off he becomes.